#1
My fingers graze the air
the space between them so cold.
My lips caress my pillow
its neighbor so alone.
My feet crunch snowy pavement
as I walk my shadow down.
Music fills the room, feeds me now,
silences the clock from ticking on.
#2
Shutting down
yet gripping hard
trying to stay still
trying to hold on.
Pushing out
rushing back
thinking, thinking ...
don't want to act.
My voice is caught
deep down in my toes
my hands eerily calm
for reasons my heart can't know.
Whose side is she on
when it gets to the end?
"But every end is a beginning,
my friend."
Begin this with what?
a leap and a jump?
Can't force me in
can't make me stand up.
Holding back
since I say that's what I do best
and watching my heart beat
from outside my chest.
#3
I've planned my entire future around you.
Chased one dream out to make room.
Couldn't bear the thought of being.
Just being.
Just me.
Maybe I forced you through a cookie cutter
Maybe you snipped the edges of gray away.
Maybe I was unfair to plot and plan
but now I see:
Long talks on pillows soft
drunken college kids singing far off
competitive looping in Mario Kart
diet pepsi in the dark
Sliding down the ice in our sneakers so smooth
kissing away the afternoon.
Your hands
taking
the wheel.
What I saw in you wasn't perfect
the flaws were abundant
but tirelessly loved in the moment.
Who else can make me feel this pain?
The pain of a four-letter-word.
One word.
It's meaning taking on a life.
My life.
Stop. Look around.
Where did I go?
Tickle me until I crack
make me an insomniac
show me what the mirror fails
push me until I prevail.
Who else can make me forget my own name
and the fact that I will live again?
#4
Brown eyes like coffee
no sugar, no cream
like chocolate in binges
at two a.m.
Under black lights- paint
glowing on newsprint.
Constricting faces
contorting eyes and dismal
lips shouting to you.
The world is quiet but beneath
your stubble, beneath
your thick brows, the lens
through which I can see you,
it's noisy, it's crowded.
It's Penn Station
with no room to move. It's a shopping mall
on December 24th
and I'm lost behind
heavy bags and slowed
escalators. I'm fading behind
red sweaters and children's
cries.
My pale skin dries and turns
to dust, slipping into the tiles
beneath the hurried footsteps.
When you turn back
the fine powder
is swept away.
#5
You torture me so
mythologically
words not meant to wound
but slice and dice
cut me open
and look inside.
You know I can't speak
can't hide
handcuffed to you
following to the underworld
tempted by the forbidden fruit
and shallow waters.
Endlessly, mindlessly
taught to climb
backwards
to keep my face fresh
eyes wide open.
Staring at what can never
be understood ...
the emptiness behind
your sighs.
#6
Maybe I forgot
how to smile and my heart broke
like a mirror, sending glass fragments
across my wrists. "Let's make it quick,"
I'd say. "People still have things to do
when I die."
#7
Teach me how
to smile my love. Take
my heart on a walk through the gardens
in the fall. The flowers-
decaying. The leaves-falling upon
our gripping hands. When surrounded
by nature's cyclical death can our love
be renewed?
Teach me how to find that light
in my eyes my love. Hold
me throughout the night. When all
the other lights have gone out and all that's left
are the stars in the sky, show
them up with the light in your laughter
as you ease
the zombies away.
Give me an adrenaline
rush my love. Kiss me until my breath
gives way. Sweep
me up and knock
me down. Turn your lips
into a roller
coaster- make my body rumble,
quiver, and shake because nothing
will rid me of the over
whelming safety you offer.
#8
I keep coming back to you searching
for a taste of love and every
time I leave you again
the taste of blood again
the salty river to my mouth.
The mouth you kissed and promised
with shy whispers that linger
across the lonely midnight
air cuddling the blanket of warmth
I hopelessly wrap around myself. My back
faces the wind and the veins break
from my overwhelmed heart
beating beating beating
to the beat of my own drum.
A drum that shamelessly screams
your name to a tune of tears
and lovely violins. Play
me an abandoned song, play me
like a new guitar, play me like you love
me, play me like I'm the girl for you, play
my empty shell.
#9
My insecurities fall like icicles
from my eyes; you thought
it was a stable establishment. You thought
it was safe and sound and you thought
wrong.
You can't see them stab
the ground but I walk broken ice
when I step towards your arms.
And every time I step away I feel
them piece together and float
off the ground to find themselves
at home again
just under my eyes.
