They can't hurt you unless you let them

This is always going to be true. I've been thinking about it a lot since my boyfriend posted on the topic in his blog. He referred to break-ups in his post but I know it applies to friendships as well. No one can hurt you unless you give them the power to.

Unfortunately for me, I give that power to a lot of people. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm pretty open and trusting. I'm also a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, which is a really bad combination. I want people to like me. I want to be perfect so that everyone likes me. That's impossible and ridiculous and I know it. I constantly think "stop putting me on a pedestal, I'm going to fall off and let you all down." Yet it's my own damn fault I'm up there in the first place. I constantly strive to give more, do more, work harder... I'm always giving my all. That can get very tiring.

My store manager, the highest boss I have, came up to me at work one day and said, "you're the hardest worker in the entire store." This is probably the best compliment I've ever received and yet it scared me. I come in every day and give 110%. When I can't do that, when I feel sick or frustrated or somehow just can't get everything accomplished that I need to, I want to cry. I feel like a disappointment or a failure. It's not reasonable that everyone else in the store can come in and half-ass it and I have to bust it out all day every day. And my store manager has noticed this. He's asked me countless times if they're pushing me too hard or if I'm working too much. He told me he didn't want me to "burn out." I replied, "I don't have a problem with the hours. If everyone else would do their jobs right I'd be fine." Which was the honest truth. There's no reason for me to pick up the slack for everyone else just because I see the importance in what we're trying to achieve.

Unfortunately my desire to be the perfect worker has gotten in the way of my desire for everyone to love me and be my friend. I've noticed that at work we all get along, everyone gets excited to see me, we can chit chat for a few minutes and I make them laugh, and then I run off and do my million things in my 8 hour shift. Then I punch out. Get on my bike. Ride home. Sit alone. Repeat.

It wasn't that upsetting until my only friend in California stopped talking to me. That was when I realized how alone I truly was and how I don't have real friends like I had in New York. There's a difference between work friends and real friends. Work friends accept you and like to chat with you when they're getting paid to. They have their own friends who they hang out with off the clock. This does not include you. These friends can't really hurt you, you haven't let them in, you haven't given them the power to. It's sad that they don't feel the need to get to know you better, but that's just it. They don't really know you so they're not really rejecting you. They're just busy or have reached their friend capacity. It's nothing personal.

But when someone who does know you, someone who you've spent time with and shared stories/memories with, decides to either stop seeing you, speaking to you, or dating you, that's the ultimate hurt. This person knows you at your core and based on that information has decided you're not worth it anymore. That's the worst. This is true pain. You've given away a lot of power here and this person has abused it. Ultimately you think, 'there must be something wrong with me.' Or at least that's the first conclusion I jumped to. It's false and its sole purpose is for self-loathing. Self-loathing makes you the victim which reinforces the need for pity and love. It says "don't you feel bad for me? Nobody loves me. Love me! Love me!" It's complete and utter crap.

Love doesn't happen as naturally as people expect or have become accustomed to in the movies. Love takes understanding and effort and trust. Two people need communication and respect in their relationship before they can have love. Once you have these tools you can work through problems that arise. You still have the power to hurt one another, but you also trust each other not to. Love is built on that fundamental idea.

So unfortunately for me, I love easily. I look for the good in people. I trust them not to hurt me. And then they do. And this cycle will continue on for the rest of my life. Just because you've been burned before doesn't mean the fire won't lick you again. This isn't lightning people. Decide who is worth the pain and give them a chance. Life isn't worth living if you're going to coat yourself in bubble wrap and keep a distance from every meaningful relationship that comes your way. You'll get hurt along the way and chances are you'll hurt someone too. So forgive when it happens to you and apologize when you do it to someone else.

Love with everything you have. Believe that everything you send out into the world will come right back to you. Then, and only then, you'll never burn out.

Book Review Twenty-Eight: Along for the Ride

Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen, published by Viking Juvenile.

Coming Soon!

Book Review Twenty-Seven: 13 Little Blue Envelopes

13 Little Blue Envelopes by Maureen Johnson, published by HarperTeen.

Coming Soon!

Book Review Twenty-Six: Paper Towns

Paper Towns by John Green, published by Speak.

Paper Towns is my first TRUE John Green experience. Next is Looking for Alaska which half the quotes on tumblr are from. This book was purely amazing. It took me a little while to get into it, plus some difficulty arranging reading time around my schedule, but around the hundredth page I found myself hooked. Part Three, or around page 230, I was laughing every other page. But by the end of the novel I was just annoyed and pissed off.

This novel is about Quentin, referred to as Q for most of the novel, and his obsession with his next-door-neighbor and long-time crush Margo Roth Spiegleman. One night Margo shows up at his window and convinces Q to join her on an eleven-step adventure. The adventure revolves around justice and revenge for Margo and Q. They bonded, broke AND entered (separate acts, not to be confused with a crime), and rediscovered a friendship they had last established when they were ten-years-old and found a dead man in the park. The next day Margo disappeared and Q began linking together clues to her whereabouts. The rest of the novel follows his obsessive search to find her, dead or alive.

I absolutely loved how John Green explored the idea of paper towns in this novel. When Margo referred to paper towns and herself as a paper girl she meant that they lacked the third dimension. Paper towns are like Pleasantville: everyone goes to school and work. They go to the store, make dinner, make small talk, do what's expected of them, and then go to bed to do it all over again the next day. They don't ponder the meaning of life or go on adventures or speak the truth. They just go through the motions. In her opinion she was a paper girl in Orlando. She fit the role that was expected of her even though it made her empty inside. Paper towns are also fake towns that are placed on maps as a copyright tool by cartographers. If this town is found on maps by other cartographers they have a case for copyright infringement. This becomes relevant to the plot of the novel however I won't explain why.

I don't know if I've ever related to a character as much as I have to Margo Roth Spiegleman. Although I would never do her 11 item adventure or run away from home on multiple occasions I have often felt like a paper girl. I've been to the point where I wonder if I'm living life for myself or for everyone else. I've constantly been put onto a pedestal afraid of falling off and disappointing everyone around me. I've been placed into a box unsure if anyone actually understands who I am beneath the surface. I have wanted to hide out and write for days before, just like Q finds that Margo does inside abandoned buildings.

By far the best part of this novel was the road trip to find Margo at the end of the novel. It literally had me laughing out loud. I can relate to road trips. I've been on many and I love them. I love the endless games, the "are we there yet?" questioning, the fact that someone always has to pee, and the crazy mental state you get to when you lack sleep and have overdosed on caffeine and road-staring. Again John Green impressed me with his talent for writing in the perspective of teenage boys. They were personable and quirky and witty. I probably wouldn't have hung out with them for they played far too many video games for me, plus Ben and Radar were band geeks, however I truly enjoyed reading about them. Margo, on the other hand, went from surprising me to scaring me to truly pissing me off. I hated the ending. Green's understanding of the characters proved to be far greater than his need for a happy ending. This is admirable yet upsetting at the same time.

Favorite quotes: "It is so hard to leave-until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world" (pg. 229).

"it is saying these things that keeps us from falling apart. And maybe by imagining these futures we can make them real, and maybe not, but either way we must imagine them. The light rushes out and floods in" (pg. 304).

"Yes, I can see her almost perfectly in this cracked darkness" (pg. 305).

Book Review Twenty-Five: Will Grayson, Will Grayson

Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan, published by Speak.

I didn't disappear again! I was busy reading, I swear. Well, reading and working. Also got rid of my car which means I'm riding my bike to work. That's bicycle, not motorcycle. Six miles every shift, so that means I'm getting my workout in and my California tan. Who else is still doing their New Year's resolution? If you are, more power to you! I'm over 200 miles into my 2011 miles in 2011. I know I'm really far behind, but hey, every mile counts baby.

Anyway, my friend Nick N. suggested this book to me because I was recently a John Green virgin. It's a collaborated effort with author David Levithan so it's almost like I eased my way in, but I definitely absolutely adored this book. I knew going into it that it was going to be similar to Catcher in the Rye and immediately found themes and character traits that both Holden and Will Grayson #1 shared. Will Grayson tells the reader that he left his "Group of Friends" because they were fake and phony, precisely Holden's reasons for lacking any real friendships. Will Grayson has three rules that he follows in life: 1. Don't Care too much and 2. Shut up and 3. Never kiss a girl you like. I could just as easily see these rules written by Holden Caulfield who didn't talk much and only seemed to care for his younger sister Phoebe. If it wasn't for her he arguably wouldn't have made it to the end of the novel.

Once the other Will Grayson enters the picture the Catcher in the Rye similarities fade and I began to truly appreciate the novel for it's originality and heart. They meet one night when the second Will Grayson's date falls through. It comically enough happens at a porn shop, the first time for both Wills. Then Tiny Cooper, Will Grayson #1's best friend who is "the world's largest person who is really, really gay, and also the world's gayest person who is really, really large" (pg.3) takes a devastated and shocked Will Grayson #2 off for a walk where they proceed to fall in love. From then on both Will Graysons are linked together by Tiny. Tiny and his autobiographical musical about being gay in high school.

At its core this novel is about two boys trying to find themselves during their teenage years. One Will Grayson is gay and struggling with whether or not to come out and the other Will Grayson has feelings for a girl, Jane, yet is unsure if the potential relationship would be worth all of the pain and risk.

The book is hilarious in a completely realistic kind of way. I'm not a teenage boy so I can't claim to understand the way they think but these two authors portray the Will Grayson characters pretty well. Everything from IM conversations to text messages to actual dialog was completely believable and true to their age. Not to mention the musical by Tiny with some songs included in the novel. It reminds me of Dramarama by E. Lockhart. Both musicals had an enthusiasm and life behind them that jumped off the page to the reader.

Favorite quotes: "You like someone who can't like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot." (pg. 43)

"The part I enjoy the most is not the doing, but the noticing. Noticing the way she smells like oversugared coffee, and the difference between her smile and her photographed smile, and the way she bites her lower lip, and the pale skin of her back. I just want the pleasure of noticing these things at a safe distance- I don't want to have to acknowledge that I am noticing. I don't want to talk about it or do stuff about it." (pg. 47)

"When things break it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. it's because a little piece gets lost - the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. the whole shape has changed." (pg 174).