Unfortunately for me, I give that power to a lot of people. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm pretty open and trusting. I'm also a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, which is a really bad combination. I want people to like me. I want to be perfect so that everyone likes me. That's impossible and ridiculous and I know it. I constantly think "stop putting me on a pedestal, I'm going to fall off and let you all down." Yet it's my own damn fault I'm up there in the first place. I constantly strive to give more, do more, work harder... I'm always giving my all. That can get very tiring.
My store manager, the highest boss I have, came up to me at work one day and said, "you're the hardest worker in the entire store." This is probably the best compliment I've ever received and yet it scared me. I come in every day and give 110%. When I can't do that, when I feel sick or frustrated or somehow just can't get everything accomplished that I need to, I want to cry. I feel like a disappointment or a failure. It's not reasonable that everyone else in the store can come in and half-ass it and I have to bust it out all day every day. And my store manager has noticed this. He's asked me countless times if they're pushing me too hard or if I'm working too much. He told me he didn't want me to "burn out." I replied, "I don't have a problem with the hours. If everyone else would do their jobs right I'd be fine." Which was the honest truth. There's no reason for me to pick up the slack for everyone else just because I see the importance in what we're trying to achieve.
Unfortunately my desire to be the perfect worker has gotten in the way of my desire for everyone to love me and be my friend. I've noticed that at work we all get along, everyone gets excited to see me, we can chit chat for a few minutes and I make them laugh, and then I run off and do my million things in my 8 hour shift. Then I punch out. Get on my bike. Ride home. Sit alone. Repeat.
It wasn't that upsetting until my only friend in California stopped talking to me. That was when I realized how alone I truly was and how I don't have real friends like I had in New York. There's a difference between work friends and real friends. Work friends accept you and like to chat with you when they're getting paid to. They have their own friends who they hang out with off the clock. This does not include you. These friends can't really hurt you, you haven't let them in, you haven't given them the power to. It's sad that they don't feel the need to get to know you better, but that's just it. They don't really know you so they're not really rejecting you. They're just busy or have reached their friend capacity. It's nothing personal.
But when someone who does know you, someone who you've spent time with and shared stories/memories with, decides to either stop seeing you, speaking to you, or dating you, that's the ultimate hurt. This person knows you at your core and based on that information has decided you're not worth it anymore. That's the worst. This is true pain. You've given away a lot of power here and this person has abused it. Ultimately you think, 'there must be something wrong with me.' Or at least that's the first conclusion I jumped to. It's false and its sole purpose is for self-loathing. Self-loathing makes you the victim which reinforces the need for pity and love. It says "don't you feel bad for me? Nobody loves me. Love me! Love me!" It's complete and utter crap.
Love doesn't happen as naturally as people expect or have become accustomed to in the movies. Love takes understanding and effort and trust. Two people need communication and respect in their relationship before they can have love. Once you have these tools you can work through problems that arise. You still have the power to hurt one another, but you also trust each other not to. Love is built on that fundamental idea.
So unfortunately for me, I love easily. I look for the good in people. I trust them not to hurt me. And then they do. And this cycle will continue on for the rest of my life. Just because you've been burned before doesn't mean the fire won't lick you again. This isn't lightning people. Decide who is worth the pain and give them a chance. Life isn't worth living if you're going to coat yourself in bubble wrap and keep a distance from every meaningful relationship that comes your way. You'll get hurt along the way and chances are you'll hurt someone too. So forgive when it happens to you and apologize when you do it to someone else.
Love with everything you have. Believe that everything you send out into the world will come right back to you. Then, and only then, you'll never burn out.
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