They can't hurt you unless you let them

This is always going to be true. I've been thinking about it a lot since my boyfriend posted on the topic in his blog. He referred to break-ups in his post but I know it applies to friendships as well. No one can hurt you unless you give them the power to.

Unfortunately for me, I give that power to a lot of people. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I'm pretty open and trusting. I'm also a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, which is a really bad combination. I want people to like me. I want to be perfect so that everyone likes me. That's impossible and ridiculous and I know it. I constantly think "stop putting me on a pedestal, I'm going to fall off and let you all down." Yet it's my own damn fault I'm up there in the first place. I constantly strive to give more, do more, work harder... I'm always giving my all. That can get very tiring.

My store manager, the highest boss I have, came up to me at work one day and said, "you're the hardest worker in the entire store." This is probably the best compliment I've ever received and yet it scared me. I come in every day and give 110%. When I can't do that, when I feel sick or frustrated or somehow just can't get everything accomplished that I need to, I want to cry. I feel like a disappointment or a failure. It's not reasonable that everyone else in the store can come in and half-ass it and I have to bust it out all day every day. And my store manager has noticed this. He's asked me countless times if they're pushing me too hard or if I'm working too much. He told me he didn't want me to "burn out." I replied, "I don't have a problem with the hours. If everyone else would do their jobs right I'd be fine." Which was the honest truth. There's no reason for me to pick up the slack for everyone else just because I see the importance in what we're trying to achieve.

Unfortunately my desire to be the perfect worker has gotten in the way of my desire for everyone to love me and be my friend. I've noticed that at work we all get along, everyone gets excited to see me, we can chit chat for a few minutes and I make them laugh, and then I run off and do my million things in my 8 hour shift. Then I punch out. Get on my bike. Ride home. Sit alone. Repeat.

It wasn't that upsetting until my only friend in California stopped talking to me. That was when I realized how alone I truly was and how I don't have real friends like I had in New York. There's a difference between work friends and real friends. Work friends accept you and like to chat with you when they're getting paid to. They have their own friends who they hang out with off the clock. This does not include you. These friends can't really hurt you, you haven't let them in, you haven't given them the power to. It's sad that they don't feel the need to get to know you better, but that's just it. They don't really know you so they're not really rejecting you. They're just busy or have reached their friend capacity. It's nothing personal.

But when someone who does know you, someone who you've spent time with and shared stories/memories with, decides to either stop seeing you, speaking to you, or dating you, that's the ultimate hurt. This person knows you at your core and based on that information has decided you're not worth it anymore. That's the worst. This is true pain. You've given away a lot of power here and this person has abused it. Ultimately you think, 'there must be something wrong with me.' Or at least that's the first conclusion I jumped to. It's false and its sole purpose is for self-loathing. Self-loathing makes you the victim which reinforces the need for pity and love. It says "don't you feel bad for me? Nobody loves me. Love me! Love me!" It's complete and utter crap.

Love doesn't happen as naturally as people expect or have become accustomed to in the movies. Love takes understanding and effort and trust. Two people need communication and respect in their relationship before they can have love. Once you have these tools you can work through problems that arise. You still have the power to hurt one another, but you also trust each other not to. Love is built on that fundamental idea.

So unfortunately for me, I love easily. I look for the good in people. I trust them not to hurt me. And then they do. And this cycle will continue on for the rest of my life. Just because you've been burned before doesn't mean the fire won't lick you again. This isn't lightning people. Decide who is worth the pain and give them a chance. Life isn't worth living if you're going to coat yourself in bubble wrap and keep a distance from every meaningful relationship that comes your way. You'll get hurt along the way and chances are you'll hurt someone too. So forgive when it happens to you and apologize when you do it to someone else.

Love with everything you have. Believe that everything you send out into the world will come right back to you. Then, and only then, you'll never burn out.

Book Review Twenty-Eight: Along for the Ride

Along for the Ride by Sarah Dessen, published by Viking Juvenile.

Coming Soon!

Book Review Twenty-Seven: 13 Little Blue Envelopes

13 Little Blue Envelopes by Maureen Johnson, published by HarperTeen.

Coming Soon!

Book Review Twenty-Six: Paper Towns

Paper Towns by John Green, published by Speak.

Paper Towns is my first TRUE John Green experience. Next is Looking for Alaska which half the quotes on tumblr are from. This book was purely amazing. It took me a little while to get into it, plus some difficulty arranging reading time around my schedule, but around the hundredth page I found myself hooked. Part Three, or around page 230, I was laughing every other page. But by the end of the novel I was just annoyed and pissed off.

This novel is about Quentin, referred to as Q for most of the novel, and his obsession with his next-door-neighbor and long-time crush Margo Roth Spiegleman. One night Margo shows up at his window and convinces Q to join her on an eleven-step adventure. The adventure revolves around justice and revenge for Margo and Q. They bonded, broke AND entered (separate acts, not to be confused with a crime), and rediscovered a friendship they had last established when they were ten-years-old and found a dead man in the park. The next day Margo disappeared and Q began linking together clues to her whereabouts. The rest of the novel follows his obsessive search to find her, dead or alive.

I absolutely loved how John Green explored the idea of paper towns in this novel. When Margo referred to paper towns and herself as a paper girl she meant that they lacked the third dimension. Paper towns are like Pleasantville: everyone goes to school and work. They go to the store, make dinner, make small talk, do what's expected of them, and then go to bed to do it all over again the next day. They don't ponder the meaning of life or go on adventures or speak the truth. They just go through the motions. In her opinion she was a paper girl in Orlando. She fit the role that was expected of her even though it made her empty inside. Paper towns are also fake towns that are placed on maps as a copyright tool by cartographers. If this town is found on maps by other cartographers they have a case for copyright infringement. This becomes relevant to the plot of the novel however I won't explain why.

I don't know if I've ever related to a character as much as I have to Margo Roth Spiegleman. Although I would never do her 11 item adventure or run away from home on multiple occasions I have often felt like a paper girl. I've been to the point where I wonder if I'm living life for myself or for everyone else. I've constantly been put onto a pedestal afraid of falling off and disappointing everyone around me. I've been placed into a box unsure if anyone actually understands who I am beneath the surface. I have wanted to hide out and write for days before, just like Q finds that Margo does inside abandoned buildings.

By far the best part of this novel was the road trip to find Margo at the end of the novel. It literally had me laughing out loud. I can relate to road trips. I've been on many and I love them. I love the endless games, the "are we there yet?" questioning, the fact that someone always has to pee, and the crazy mental state you get to when you lack sleep and have overdosed on caffeine and road-staring. Again John Green impressed me with his talent for writing in the perspective of teenage boys. They were personable and quirky and witty. I probably wouldn't have hung out with them for they played far too many video games for me, plus Ben and Radar were band geeks, however I truly enjoyed reading about them. Margo, on the other hand, went from surprising me to scaring me to truly pissing me off. I hated the ending. Green's understanding of the characters proved to be far greater than his need for a happy ending. This is admirable yet upsetting at the same time.

Favorite quotes: "It is so hard to leave-until you leave. And then it is the easiest goddamned thing in the world" (pg. 229).

"it is saying these things that keeps us from falling apart. And maybe by imagining these futures we can make them real, and maybe not, but either way we must imagine them. The light rushes out and floods in" (pg. 304).

"Yes, I can see her almost perfectly in this cracked darkness" (pg. 305).

Book Review Twenty-Five: Will Grayson, Will Grayson

Will Grayson, Will Grayson by John Green and David Levithan, published by Speak.

I didn't disappear again! I was busy reading, I swear. Well, reading and working. Also got rid of my car which means I'm riding my bike to work. That's bicycle, not motorcycle. Six miles every shift, so that means I'm getting my workout in and my California tan. Who else is still doing their New Year's resolution? If you are, more power to you! I'm over 200 miles into my 2011 miles in 2011. I know I'm really far behind, but hey, every mile counts baby.

Anyway, my friend Nick N. suggested this book to me because I was recently a John Green virgin. It's a collaborated effort with author David Levithan so it's almost like I eased my way in, but I definitely absolutely adored this book. I knew going into it that it was going to be similar to Catcher in the Rye and immediately found themes and character traits that both Holden and Will Grayson #1 shared. Will Grayson tells the reader that he left his "Group of Friends" because they were fake and phony, precisely Holden's reasons for lacking any real friendships. Will Grayson has three rules that he follows in life: 1. Don't Care too much and 2. Shut up and 3. Never kiss a girl you like. I could just as easily see these rules written by Holden Caulfield who didn't talk much and only seemed to care for his younger sister Phoebe. If it wasn't for her he arguably wouldn't have made it to the end of the novel.

Once the other Will Grayson enters the picture the Catcher in the Rye similarities fade and I began to truly appreciate the novel for it's originality and heart. They meet one night when the second Will Grayson's date falls through. It comically enough happens at a porn shop, the first time for both Wills. Then Tiny Cooper, Will Grayson #1's best friend who is "the world's largest person who is really, really gay, and also the world's gayest person who is really, really large" (pg.3) takes a devastated and shocked Will Grayson #2 off for a walk where they proceed to fall in love. From then on both Will Graysons are linked together by Tiny. Tiny and his autobiographical musical about being gay in high school.

At its core this novel is about two boys trying to find themselves during their teenage years. One Will Grayson is gay and struggling with whether or not to come out and the other Will Grayson has feelings for a girl, Jane, yet is unsure if the potential relationship would be worth all of the pain and risk.

The book is hilarious in a completely realistic kind of way. I'm not a teenage boy so I can't claim to understand the way they think but these two authors portray the Will Grayson characters pretty well. Everything from IM conversations to text messages to actual dialog was completely believable and true to their age. Not to mention the musical by Tiny with some songs included in the novel. It reminds me of Dramarama by E. Lockhart. Both musicals had an enthusiasm and life behind them that jumped off the page to the reader.

Favorite quotes: "You like someone who can't like you back because unrequited love can be survived in a way that once-requited love cannot." (pg. 43)

"The part I enjoy the most is not the doing, but the noticing. Noticing the way she smells like oversugared coffee, and the difference between her smile and her photographed smile, and the way she bites her lower lip, and the pale skin of her back. I just want the pleasure of noticing these things at a safe distance- I don't want to have to acknowledge that I am noticing. I don't want to talk about it or do stuff about it." (pg. 47)

"When things break it's not the actual breaking that prevents them from getting back together again. it's because a little piece gets lost - the two remaining ends couldn't fit together even if they wanted to. the whole shape has changed." (pg 174).

EXCITING NEWS!

Okay, it's not a new book review or even really anything interesting about my life.

HOWEVER, I'm pretty fucking excited about this. Do any of you remember the Sweet Valley series by Francine Pascal?

No?

Sweet Valley kids?

Sweet Valley Twins

Sweet Valley Twins & Friends

Sweet Valley Junior High

Sweet Valley High

Sweet Valley High: Senior Year (by far the best one)

Sweet Valley University

And then about a million other random books where they had Christmas specials and stories from past generations and Liz went to England...

But anyway, my point is, I was IN LOVE with these books. I couldn't get enough. I own a ton of them. In fact when I was selling a majority of my books (75 percent of them sadly enough) when I moved out of my house, I just couldn't sell these. I got rid of most of them just because I don't see myself reading about ten-year-olds again in the near future, but I definitely kept the Senior Year ones. I don't think you understand.

Francine Pascal is why I want to be a writer.

She's AMAZING.

She also wrote the Fearless series. I can't even explain how good those are. I definitely own all of them. I highly recommend them if you're looking for a lot of adventure and a little bit of romance.

But before I forget why I started this post here it is:

Sweet Valley Confidential

Brand new book featuring Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield ten years later. Unfortunately there are some bad reviews up on the website already, but people deal with nostalgia differently. I'm still excited to see how everything turns out for the twins. Check back for my review after I read it!

Book Review Twenty-Four: Bliss

Bliss by Lauren Myracle, published by Amulet Books.

In all honesty the only reason I picked up this book was because I needed something to read in the airport and they had a VERY small Young Adult section. In that section almost every book featured some supernatural element. Are there no more real-life reads anymore? Does everything revolve around aliens, witches, vampires, and werewolves? If so, that's really sad and I need to write something for my target market (aka: ME!). Luckily there was a love element in this novel, otherwise I would have gone crazy.

Let me explain a few things before I tell you about this novel. First and foremost, I usually stick to a select few authors that I really really like. For example: E. Lockhart, Laurie Halse Anderson, and Sarah Dessen. I've read almost all of their works (and I own all of E. Lockhart's books). Even though I've read two of Lauren Myracle's works before I wouldn't count her as one of my favorite authors. I didn't particularly love Kissing Kate and although I did enjoy How to Be Bad, it was a collaborative work with E. Lockhart and Sarah Mlynowski. But she BLEW me away with this novel. It was not only informative, it was also three-dimensional, complicated, and disturbing.

Secondly, I love to read my books straight through in one shot. I sat there with the Harry Potter books for hours at a time just to finish. That's how enthralled I was. I read most of Bliss in one day (it was a long day of travelling and being delayed at the airport) but it was difficult. It wasn't difficult because of the language or the fact that it's a 444 page novel. It was just disturbing. There were several instances where I would cringe and close the book for a few minutes. I was curious about the plot but Sandy, one of the main characters, a teenage girl who becomes obsessed with blood magic, started to creep me out. There's a scene in the novel where Bliss, the main character who moves from a commune with her hippie parents to live with her grandmother in Atlanta, enters Sandy's room for the first time and what follows is the most disgusting scene I have ever read. To put it delicately, Sandy has never cleaned up after her cat. Including the litter box. Talk about an image that haunts you...

There is so much involved in this novel I hardly know where to start. The writing technique Myracle uses is original in itself. The novel is first-person POV from Bliss' perspective. However, it's mixed with blackened pages that feature quotes from pop culture of the time. Mostly they feature quotes from The Andy Griffith Show and the Charles Manson Tate-LaBianca murder trial. Also between chapters are diary entries from S.L.L. Myracle may try to trick the reader by featuring two characters with the same initials, however it becomes quite obvious halfway through who the real S.L.L. is and that she is seriously deranged.

The character development is quite extraordinary also. All of the relationships feel complex and real from the strained relationship between Bliss and her grandmother to the fragile relationship between Bliss and Mitchell and the scary and somewhat deluded relationship between Sandy and Liliana. I was pretty amazed at how well-developed these relationships were. They rival those of Sarah Dessen. The only relationship that seemed strange and non-exisistant was that of Bliss and her parents. They essentially dropped her off at her grandmother's house and fled to Canada to never be heard from again. I want to say it seemed unrealistic, however I'm sure it's happened to someone somewhere.

The aspect of this novel that I enjoyed (and that was the most surprising) was the talk of integration in schools. Lawrence was Crestview Academy's "token black student" and Bliss expressed her feelings on the issue quite a few times throughout the novel. There is talk of the Ku Klux Klan, other integrated schools, an inter-racial relationship, and even the theme of power via race. It actually made me proud of her because she seemed to be the only character in the novel that could see past race and the stereotypes surrounding it.

When I finished the novel I'll admit that I said outloud "wow, that was fucked up." I encourage you to read it not only for a disturbing tale that rivals that of Stephen King but also for a glimpse at a character who is as flawed as she is inspiring.

Oh hello again...

Before I start any reviews I should apologize for taking forever to update. I was told by a good friend that this blog should be more than book reviews, which was initially how I started it. However, my life isn't interesting enough to write about (in my opinion) and I doubt I'll be motivated or inspired enough to come up with my own material as often as readers like. I will, however, give you a little insight into my life for the past 6 months. This is me opening up, so be gentle.

I made a huge move from New York (state, NOT city) to California. Words can't express how overwhelming that journey was. That's saying a lot because I full-heartedly believe in the power of words. I read into what and how people express themselves verbally in a million different ways. Words are the light at the end of the tunnel. They can change your entire mood, your feelings, your ambition. That's mainly why I love to read and write. I believe in the power that language holds. I believe that sending someone a note can change their day. I believe a kind word can bring about happiness and that means the world to me.

Shortly (and I mean VERY shortly) after I arrived in California my boyfriend of four years broke up with me. I'm not going to get into details because it's taken me a long time to get over it and there's no point in looking back. It's over and done with; I'm better off now than I was then. It was the hardest thing I've ever been through but I am glad I went through it. I know it's made me a stronger person and that I've learned a lot about what I can handle from it. That may all sound cliche but it's the truth. I never had to search for myself because I've always known who I am. I haven't changed for anyone, even though I've been pressured to. I'm proud of myself for getting this far and staying true to myself. Maybe everything does happen for a reason after all.

Working through the breakup, finding an apartment, dealing with car trouble, and finally getting my transfer to Target worked out was about the hardest two months of my life. The perspective that this journey has given me is priceless. I feel like I'm experiencing life and gaining stories and memories that will shape my writing career. Or maybe that's just another excuse I can have for why I'm not actually writing anything...

Recently someone who has shaped my life in ways that he'll never know passed away. I haven't really dealt with his death yet. It just sits in the back of my heart simmering and gnawing at me. I know I'll have to recognize it and work through it, but I keep pushing it away like it doesn't affect me. I don't know if closure will ever come, but I don't regret a single thing.

Now things are a hundred times better in my personal life but financially I am scared out of my mind. In the past year and a half I've spent a couple thousand dollars. It's really overwhelming to see my savings account dwindle away. I don't mind working 80 hour weeks to do what I have to do, I just need to find a new job or a way to pick up more hours at Target. I don't want to regret anything in my life but it's hard to not regret the year I spent in Rochester paying $585 dollars for rent every month by myself. I worked my ass off and it's like I have nothing to show for it now. And the next 5 and a half years I'll be paying off this new car. I really hope I haven't made a mistake.

So there you have it. An update on my life. Now back to the book reviews. I'm going to start from scratch with the latest book I've read. It's called Bliss and it happens to be a mixture of The Andy Griffith Show, the Charles Manson murder trial, integration in schools, blood magic, first loves, and ghosts. If that doesn't catch your attention, I don't know what will!

Book Review Twenty-Three: How I Live Now

How I Live Now by Meg Rosoff, published by Wendy Lamb Books.

I can't even express how powerful this story is. This is a novel for the ages, one that is a sure-fire classic. It should be taught in classrooms. It should be criticized, analyzed, and shared between many. It's the story of Daisy, a fifteen-year-old from New York who goes to live with her cousins in England. While she is there a war breaks out and her Aunt Penn leaves to avert war and try to maintain order. Obviously she is unsuccessful because shortly after there is news of a bomb, Aunt Penn can't make it home, and the children are left to fend for themselves. Daisy, Isaac, Piper, and Edmond must fend for themselves, but they are too busy celebrating life without adults to realize the severity of the situation.

The novel soon reminds me of The Diary of Anne Frank because of Daisy's unreliable narrative, the inevitable war and chaos that consume her life, and the forbidden romance that ensues. The novel may be short, but Rosoff strikes all the right chords as she explains the dissolution of the cousins, the pain and uncertainty this causes Daisy, and the inevitable escape that Daisy and Piper partake in to be reunited with their family. An aspect of this novel that appears unrealistic, besides this newfound war in England, is the magic that the cousins possess. They have a special knowledge of and communication with nature and animals which greatly aids them during the war.

My main problem with this novel was the ending. I didn't appreciate the abruptness to Daisy's involvement in the war or her return home. I didn't fully understand the timeline or how the war ended (or ever really what the war was about in the first place). Plus the relationship between Edmond and Daisy was left open-ended, which I less than appreciated. But I figure that's how life works and that makes the novel more realistic in my eyes. Life is constantly evolving; it's worth the confusion.

Book Review Twenty-Two: North of Beautiful

North of Beautiful by Justina Chen Headley, published by Little, Brown and Company.

I know it's been about a million years since I have updated, and for that I am sorry. I actually moved across the country (literally from NY to CA) and while things were hectic and then depressing and then boring and then hectic again I just wasn't motivated to write any reviews. That's the honest truth. It doesn't mean this book wasn't amazing though, which is why I feel it's time to get on and tell you all about it.

I believe almost everyone has suffered with self-esteem issues. Most of us don't feel beautiful enough. I know I have had many days where looking in the mirror made me want to die or cry. There's always something we think we can fix and then everything will be perfect. For Terra Cooper that's the port wine stain on her cheek. She tries every kind of procedure and therapy to rid herself of this major flaw, however, nothing works. She has lost hope but her mother hasn't. Her mother, a former beauty queen, now struggles with her weight and body issues. She focuses her energy on Terra so she doesn't have to work through her own problems. It's made painfully clear early on that the two women are dependent on Terra's father for approval and love, neither of which he can provide. The home situation is heart-wrenching and leaves Terra with fantasies of moving across the country to escape the unhealthy dynamic.

I think everyone who has read this blog knows I absolutely adore and rave about Sarah Dessen on a regular basis. Well trust me when I say that Justina Chen Headley is on par with Dessen. They both create a world so believable and three-dimensional that it's hard not to get attached to the characters and even harder to stop reading. For instance, most of North of Beautiful is about beauty: finding it in yourself, seeing it in others, and the subjectivity of it, yet there is the underlying theme of travel: geocaches, maps, Terra's name, her desire to go as far away as possible. Travel and beauty are interlinked; the farther Terra gets from her father the more beautiful she will feel. The more geocaches that she finds with Jacob the more beautiful she feels to him. Even when she makes her maps she feels more secure about herself.

You'll have to bear with me and forgive me for how short this post is. I have an absolutely terrible memory and may have to reread this book since I haven't given it a good enough review. Believe me when I say that it was worth reading, and even reading through a second time. If you can't take my word for it, just read into the fact that I only brought about 25 books across the country with me and this was one of them.